Red Mango

For all of you who are a fan of this place I hope you understand that what I am about to say should not dissuade you from reading this blog, in fact it should inspire you. Inspire you to stand up against the disneyfication that is plaguing the culinary world.  I guess I should start with how my ten minute Red Mango experience inspired this hateful rant.  I walked into this overly illuminated soft serve shop, only to find the employees sitting on their ass, doing no more than breathing.  I was not greeted with a hello, how can I help you, or a simple welcome. Instead I was left to serve MYSELF and apply my own toppings. After overpaying, with my father's money of course, I began to recount my experience, only to find a multitude of things that I despised:
1. There were about 8 flavors. How can an establishment adequately serve the millions of different people with 8 fricken flavors.  In the world of sweets, less is never more, even in this hipster universe.
2. How is a completely self-serve place abiding food-safety laws. How many dirtbags touch those condiment toppings? How many sick people are like "hey I want red mango, lemme cough all over these munchins"? Nuff Said.
3. Whatever happened to the old-fashioned ice cream parlor, with ice cream cones and cheery employees? Do we really live in a world where the destination is more important than the ride? No, because than Cold Stone wouldn't be successful.
4. If I order key lime pie and rasberry cheesecake flavored soft-serve, I shouldnt be thinking about how many calories I am taking in, I should be thinking "Really? Fake key lime pie? lazy-ass!"  Therefore don't remind me that I am a fat ass with those nutritional facts, because after all I AM SUPPORTING YOUR JOKE OF A CAREER!

Considering this is the second post ever lemme help you out, this blog won't be a forum for all things south beach diet-y, instead it will be something that disregards these vegan/vegetarian/pescatarian/no-fun-atarian values.  Indulge in what taste, smells, and looks good, live the life of a food devil, breaking all culinary and nutritional rules.  There isn't a rule book telling you how to eat, there is only your belly saying "Yo,dude, stop eating this stupid soft serve and go to a god damn Ben and Jerry's with normal americans who work for a living"

Thanks Red Mango for ruining my night.